Sunday, May 16, 2010

selfish?

5/14/10

I don’t know if I’m happy anymore. I don’t know if I’m sad. The only thing that I’m sure of, is the fact that I’m just tired of everything.

My family is just falling apart, and I’m really just giving up. I can’t take any of them anymore. This court thing between my parents, it seems like they are using me and my brother as an excuse to just fight each other. It doesn’t seem like this whole thing is because of me and my brother, it seems like all of this trouble and drama is because they have so much hatred for each other that they need to find an excuse to fight this much. I don’t know if that made sense. I’m not going back and editing, I’m trying to just let all the words flow.

It’s just difficult when you don’t even know who’s being real with you, the world is so full of dishonest people, and then you have your family and they shouldn’t be the ones to lie to you, but it seems like they are. It’s hard to take that, but I guess I’m just going to have to accept the fact that not everyone is going to be the way that you want them to be, or the way that they should be. Everyone seems to be so selfish, but then they turn to me and call me the selfish one. They just don’t understand what is going on in my mind and what I’m really thinking about the whole issue, it just seems like they think that I’m trying to do things to make myself happy. I should do that, because I don’t do that enough. I don’t try to make myself happy.

My love life, isn’t even a love life anymore, I’m with him more so now, because I’m scared of him. I can’t take that. I’m not who I am anymore. I’m not this person that he’s making me, and the sad part is that I see it all happening in front of me, but I can’t stop it. I used to think that I was with him because I love him, but after a couple days ago, that isn’t the case anymore. 2 days ago, he hit me, and now, I don’t know if I should forgive him and turn the other cheek, or leave.

I’ve been in this position before, I’ve had boyfriends that hit me, but I fought back. I was and have always been a fighter, I never took shit from any guy, because I knew I deserved better. But this guy I’m with now, is so good at making me actually think there is something wrong with me. I’ve never in my life been with someone who called me a slut (shmutt), called me a dumbass all the time, calls me stupid, calls me remedial, calls me all these names that hurt me, and I’ve never had a man tell me that they love me and then say those words to me. It hurts, because I know who I am and the fact that I’m starting to believe him when he calls me these names, hurts me. I used to be so independent and strong, and now, I’m neither and feel like I’ll never be close to being what I was again.

How could someone punch me in the face one minute, and then the next hold me and tell me he loves me? How can someone choke me and push me, and then cry and tell me that their love for me is just so strong? I don’t know how to feel anymore. I can’t move, I can’t breathe, and I can’t act right. I don’t smile, I barely laugh, and I barely do what I love to do. I can’t dress the way I want to dress, I can’t laugh at what I want to laugh at, and I can’t go to where I want to go.

I’m being controlled, and the sad thing is, I know it. I know it’s happening, because I’m watching it happen. I just don’t know what I’m supposed to do about it. People are so concerned already, because they can see what is going on. They see my pain, I can’t even hide it anymore. It’s written all over my face, the pain and the fear. I’m too tired to try to cover it. He even sees it, and he hates it when I’m sad and he knows its because of him. His solution to it, is to make me smoke. I can’t do that anymore, I feel like I’m really not being genuinely me. My smiles when I smoke, are fake, it’s the high not me.

I’m scared to move. I’m scared to breathe. I’m scared to do anything. The one thing I love, to dance, I’m scared to even do that, because he hates it. I need to grow a spine, because I can’t keep living like this. I can’t be abused like this. I’ve gone through enough in my life and I don’t need this to add into it….

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