Sunday, May 16, 2010

meeting his family ...

5/16/10

So… I met my boyfriend’s Filipino family yesterday. They were very welcoming and so funny. It’s sad that I had to meet them on a sad note: They’re foundation, they’re strong one, they’re grandfather (Tatay) had just died. It was a little awkward in the beginning, we had gone to the burial site of his grandfather, and even though I had never met him before, I felt an intense amount of emotion just being in the presence of his grave.

We then went to his grandmother’s house (Nanay). She is such a nice woman, it reminded me of what I had missed out on as a child. I didn’t have a good grandmother ( blood related), I only had grandmother figures… =/ . His family was shocked that I spoke our native language, and it made me feel good, because I had something special. Not many Filipino/Americans speak the language of our country, our parents get too lazy to teach us, but my parents thought it would be very useful for me and something that I could pass on to my children, I’m grateful for that. I love my language and I love the fact that I’m so fluent at speaking it.

So many questions and thoughts had run through my head yesterday, the whole day. I wish I would stop thinking so hard, and just be happy, but I can’t. Questions & thoughts:

1. How could I love someone who loves me in such a hurtful way?

a. This is one question that I ask a lot. HOW? It doesn’t make any sense to me to love someone that hurts me physically and emotionally. I’ve never been with someone who calls me names and puts their hands on me right after they tell me they love me. I’ve had boyfriends hit me before and I got out of those relationships so quick it wasn’t even funny. I never gave them the chance to explain why they hit me, I just dipped out because I knew it was wrong. I don’t understand why I’m still here, I’m still standing by his side and I’m still taking all of his bullshit. It hurts because, I knew who I was, I knew who I was going to be, I knew what I was supposed to do with my life, and now that I’m with him, I don’t know anymore. The more he tells that I’m not good, I’m a slut, I don’t know how to love, the more I end up believing it in the end. It’s so hard. I’m weak physically and emotionally, and I’m so tired of having to defend myself, when I shouldn’t have to. I don’t understand this anymore, and it hurts me. I hate not understanding, I hate feeling like I can’t breathe or I can’t move or I can’t smile. For as long as I’ve known me, I’ve always been the type to joke about everything because that’s what I want, to just smile. I didn’t think many things too seriously, because they weren’t, there was no point to get mad over little things. Life’s too short. I was always friendly, smiling, and I had friends, even if I was a bitch and I fought a lot, I had friends. People liked being around me, because I was always laughing and joking around, I knew I was a fun person to be around and I enjoyed that. But now, I don’t know myself anymore. I’m not this person, I’m not the girl that looks down at her feet afraid to look at anyone, because her boyfriend might yell at her or even hit her later because of it. I’m not that person. I’m not the girl that cries so much because what her boyfriend told her hurt her, because he used her person life that she confided to him, against her. I’m not that girl. I’m not the type to have to check in every 2 seconds, because I’m scared that he’ll suspect someone. I’m not the cheater. I’m not the liar. I’m not the one to make excuses. I’m not the one to be called a slut. I’m not the one to be disrespected. But all of these things that I say I’m not , he’s molded me to be and I hate it!

2. I wish I would end up loving someone and being with someone for a very long time, just like Nanay. (61 years of marriage, and probably would have been more if Tatay didn’t die.)

3. Does he really love me if he treats me the way he does? ( I can’t explain the way he treats me.)

4. Did his family like me?

5. Do I do things so wrong in a relationship, that I always need to be yelled at?

6. It’s not right for me to be scared of the person I love, or be afraid to be myself.

selfish?

5/14/10

I don’t know if I’m happy anymore. I don’t know if I’m sad. The only thing that I’m sure of, is the fact that I’m just tired of everything.

My family is just falling apart, and I’m really just giving up. I can’t take any of them anymore. This court thing between my parents, it seems like they are using me and my brother as an excuse to just fight each other. It doesn’t seem like this whole thing is because of me and my brother, it seems like all of this trouble and drama is because they have so much hatred for each other that they need to find an excuse to fight this much. I don’t know if that made sense. I’m not going back and editing, I’m trying to just let all the words flow.

It’s just difficult when you don’t even know who’s being real with you, the world is so full of dishonest people, and then you have your family and they shouldn’t be the ones to lie to you, but it seems like they are. It’s hard to take that, but I guess I’m just going to have to accept the fact that not everyone is going to be the way that you want them to be, or the way that they should be. Everyone seems to be so selfish, but then they turn to me and call me the selfish one. They just don’t understand what is going on in my mind and what I’m really thinking about the whole issue, it just seems like they think that I’m trying to do things to make myself happy. I should do that, because I don’t do that enough. I don’t try to make myself happy.

My love life, isn’t even a love life anymore, I’m with him more so now, because I’m scared of him. I can’t take that. I’m not who I am anymore. I’m not this person that he’s making me, and the sad part is that I see it all happening in front of me, but I can’t stop it. I used to think that I was with him because I love him, but after a couple days ago, that isn’t the case anymore. 2 days ago, he hit me, and now, I don’t know if I should forgive him and turn the other cheek, or leave.

I’ve been in this position before, I’ve had boyfriends that hit me, but I fought back. I was and have always been a fighter, I never took shit from any guy, because I knew I deserved better. But this guy I’m with now, is so good at making me actually think there is something wrong with me. I’ve never in my life been with someone who called me a slut (shmutt), called me a dumbass all the time, calls me stupid, calls me remedial, calls me all these names that hurt me, and I’ve never had a man tell me that they love me and then say those words to me. It hurts, because I know who I am and the fact that I’m starting to believe him when he calls me these names, hurts me. I used to be so independent and strong, and now, I’m neither and feel like I’ll never be close to being what I was again.

How could someone punch me in the face one minute, and then the next hold me and tell me he loves me? How can someone choke me and push me, and then cry and tell me that their love for me is just so strong? I don’t know how to feel anymore. I can’t move, I can’t breathe, and I can’t act right. I don’t smile, I barely laugh, and I barely do what I love to do. I can’t dress the way I want to dress, I can’t laugh at what I want to laugh at, and I can’t go to where I want to go.

I’m being controlled, and the sad thing is, I know it. I know it’s happening, because I’m watching it happen. I just don’t know what I’m supposed to do about it. People are so concerned already, because they can see what is going on. They see my pain, I can’t even hide it anymore. It’s written all over my face, the pain and the fear. I’m too tired to try to cover it. He even sees it, and he hates it when I’m sad and he knows its because of him. His solution to it, is to make me smoke. I can’t do that anymore, I feel like I’m really not being genuinely me. My smiles when I smoke, are fake, it’s the high not me.

I’m scared to move. I’m scared to breathe. I’m scared to do anything. The one thing I love, to dance, I’m scared to even do that, because he hates it. I need to grow a spine, because I can’t keep living like this. I can’t be abused like this. I’ve gone through enough in my life and I don’t need this to add into it….

Thursday, May 6, 2010

its not that easy being 17

So much to say, I don’t even know where to start. No one understands the fact that even though I’m 17, I’m young I should be able to handle a lot, I can’t. All this drama and fighting between my parents and then the fact that it’s coming down to me, is getting to me. Then the fact that it’s getting to me, is affecting my school. I don’t even go to school anymore. I ditch so much, because I just can’t handle it .

My boyfriend and I decided to do good in school, together. He’s going through troubles too, and we decided that together we would be able to go through it. The day that we decided this, my mom decides she is going to put me in boot camp. The thing is, she talked to my school about this, only giving them one side to the story. The side where she’s the victim. My school wouldn’t even have it. They didn’t hear me at all. They didn’t listen to me. They don’t understand. It’s hard for me to concentrate when she’s yelling in my ear, hitting me, blaming me for all of the things that are going on . I’ve came to points in my life where I didn’t care anymore about anything about anyone, then I’ve came to points where I’ve tried to forgive, but that’s too hard, and then I’ve came to points where I wanted everything to end , where I turned to suicide. I really don’t even know what to do anymore. I shouldn’t have let this all affect me so much, but I did and now I’m in a position where I don’t know if I could fix what’s going on . smh (shaking my head)