Sunday, September 27, 2009

my mom is bipolar

I wish things were different. I wish God had given me a better family, but when I think about it , the only problem with my family is my mother. So many people think that I'm just complaining and being a brat, but that is definitely not the case. I'm not the type of person that does that. I'm not the type of person that complains about everything, I always deal with what I have and make good of it, because that was how I was raised. It was just until now, when I started to develop my own opinion and really thought for myself, that i realized that my life is not how it should be. There are so many things that my mother has deprived me of, but to make up for it, she bought me material things. Material things that she wanted me to flaunt to everyone, because she wanted everyone to think that she was a great mother. For years, I put up with this, to make her happy. But recently I just want to make myself happy. It may sound selfish, but, I don't give a fuck anymore.
I'm 16, and turning 17 soon, soon enough, I'll be graduating high school. I want to graduate at least somewhat happy, but living in this environment is just going to turn me insane. How can anyone be happy with someone who constantly calls them a "whore" and all other things that you should never call your child. All of which, are definitely not true. All of which, if are true, are only true, due to her families doing. Her niece was the reason I was raped, and for that I have had to carry the burden of being tainted for years, and stupidly thinking that my mother would accept it and take care of me, i told her. Two years ago, I let her know what happened, and instead of telling me that she was sorry for letting me go with her niece whom she knew was doing bad things, she called me a "slut" and told me it was my fault. What kind of mother would do that? I don't know how much more I could take of this, of her, I just don't know how much of her I can handle, and for how much longer.

2 comments:

  1. Lyssie, this is the first post I've read on here, and wow, you sound soooo much like me at that age. My prayer is that you will NOT give up! I'm, now, a mother of four beautiful children. The way I "make up for" what I have been through, is by being determined to be there for my children, and KNOW that I am doing right by them. I'm not perfect, but my children know they can come to me with ANYTHING, without being judged, and knowing that their mother will always love them.

    I have received years of therapy, due to the way my mother treated me, and the lack of love I received. I know it sounds so much easier said than done, but my siblings and I finally had to come to a realization that my mother will never change, no matter how we long for that Mom to just, "pop out of the woodwork", and all of a sudden realize that we need her love, and have tried all our lives to "earn" it, knowing we would never succeed. Now, I know, my mother is sick. She has problems. I can, either, keep striving for that love, that will never be enough, or just do my best to accept that it's not going to happen, and go on with my life, the best I can, finding my love and happiness in other areas.

    I pray that you realize and understand that this is not you, or your fault. You are a special young lady, and every child deserves that mother who is going to show them that unconditional love. Please, don't blame yourself in any way, and realize that it is she that has the problem.

    You are in my prayers... you have really touched my heart, and I really pray for that happiness to come along, that you TRULY deserve!

    (((Hugs)))

    ReplyDelete
  2. I agree with Alica. Hang in there. I will be keeping you in my prayers. I know it's sounds corny, but don't stop writing. It's the best therapy in the world; plus, there is someone who can relate to what you are going through. Then you start to realize you are not alone. You're a great person, and when people can't see that, no matter who they are, it's there loss.

    God bless you

    ReplyDelete