Sunday, October 4, 2009

... and I ask myself .. How long can this happiness last? ... ( including a some quick rants. haha)

This weekend, was probably the happiest i've been in a long time.
Sounds so super girly/cheesy! and I hate sounding that way, but I have to when it concerns what I'm about to say. I have a boyfriend! ;D ... Finally, in almost a year or so, I have a boyfriend. This one, I chose wisely, and I waited, and I really really care about genuinely. I'm surprised, being the person that I am, I waited for so long just to hear him say, "Will you be my girl [friend]?" ... The intense amount of happiness I felt made me freakin' soar into the night sky last night when he said that. I knew it would happen, but for some reason, just the fact that it did made me soo happy. So much things in my life are going so wrong, but this one thing finally just happened for me, and it seems like, things might just get brighter. Of course, I'm not going to hope, because they probably won't, but for now, I'm just plain happy. I can't smile enough, I can't tell anyone enough, I can't stop showing off to my friends, but I don't care! because I deserve it! I deserve to finally say after so long, and after so many (you might think there wasn't a lot, but there definitely was) bullshit relationships, and after so many ass holes, I get to finally say, I have a boyfriend and he is AMAZING, he doesn't need the money, he doesn't need the title, he's amazing by just being him. That's the first time I was able to ever say that, and for the first time in a long time, I'm just sure now. A lot of people might say I'm stupid, but you know what, FORGET THEM! because I'm gonna enjoy this moment for as long as I have it, however little that time may be....

whoa wait .. that rant totally just included the "How long can this happiness last.." part .. but .. maybe I can salvage a few more words and continue on ...

Well, putting aside how happy I am, I still of course ask myself, "How long am I gonna be happy?" I've never felt this kind of "happy" before, but still, not everything lasts, so I fear when the crash will come. I'm honestly enjoying this part way to much for the time being and I don't want it to end. uuuugh .. I hate being skeptical about things sometimes, it is such a downer!

Thursday, October 1, 2009

"Your an unusual little asian girl.."

Story time haha.
I don't really like filling my blog with just sad little tidbits about the sad parts of my life, so I'm going to tell ya'll a daily story. (hopefully, i can make it daily, being a junior requires a lot homework, so I always try to fit in my blogging, and sometimes fail =/)


I'm a dancer haha . I think I mentioned this in my other post. Anyway, so I'm a dancer, and I've been trying to take a hip hop class for credit at my new school, but the dance teacher does not like me and won't allow me to. (BEING ME, IM NOT GOING TO TAKE HER CRAP AND I'M GOING TO KEEP PERSISTING ON GETTING THE CLASS I WANT. HAHA . THAT'S JUST THE WAY I AM.) I kept telling one of my friends, Reggie, if he can hook me up, so I can take a spot on one of the teams. He actually came some what through for me, and was telling me to just go to my counselor and ask for a transfer, but then the whole conversation led to, "Let's battle, girl! Ima call you out on the dance off!" lol. I didn't really take this seriously, so I just said alright and laughed.
Round noon, lunch came through, and me and my friend Janell decided to go through to the dance off and check out Reggie's moves. We were there and saw my girl, Mighty, and she dragged us to the front, which was chill, because we got to see all the action up close. Then things got hot, and Mighty and Reggie start pushing me into the circle and started hole circle up calling my name! All I heard was everyone chanting "Ly~sette! Ly~sette!..." .. My adrenaline pumped up and I was just like, should i dance or should i run? I don' t know these people so I had to contemplate what to do, but I decided to run! such a bad idea, now Tomorrow I'm determined to show off some sort of moves out there, haha .. even if I do embarass myself, because those are some amazing dancers in that circle and I'm kind of afraid I don't compare, but I want to try to hold up my end. ;D

haha.. I tried hard to make this story not very morbid .. hope I succeeded

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

You know those mean girls in high school...

My first few weeks at a new high school. There have been some ups and downs, and some down right weird things that happen in these first couple weeks, but I hate how it never fails that I get into a fight. No matter what school anyone puts me in, I always end up fighting.
I've been trying to be patient with these girls in school, you all know the ones, the popular seniors that think just because their getting of the age where they are considered "adults" they can boss everyone around, well if you know me, I am definitely not the type to be bossed around by anyone. Anyway, today was just the peak of my annoyance, because I had been trying so hard to keep my head up all weekend due to mom problems, and then I come to school and have to deal with these girls. My school last year was kind of "whack" so I ended up having to take one more semester of P.E as a junior, and I couldn't just go straight to advance dance, because I was the "new kid" . So I have to be at the bottom of the bunch with the freshman and the juniors that really just don't want to do regular p.e and want to do "dance", since they think it's easier .
*sidenote* there is barely any dancing being done in this so called "dance class" , they should really be reported * end of sidenote*
*sidenote* I am a professional dancer, groups, some videos, teams, studios *sidenote*
Although, I am considered a professional dancer, I didn't really mind being in the bottom with everyone else because they were nice and easier to talk to, but I hated the way they let those older girls push them around. We are practically the same age, maybe just like one year difference. They yell at us, call us bitches, call us dumb, stupid, idiotic, and threaten to kick us out of class.
Today just cut it for me, I was just over it all. This one girl yelled at the foreign exchange student from Iraq, that was stretching next to me, and said, "Are you stupid ? CAn't you hear me? Full splits!!" THE GIRL IS FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY plus the fact that not everyone can do a full split so no one should force them ! I hate people like that, you can't expect someone to be as flexible as others or yourself, we're all different! Now, this girl was one of the "pretty, popular" girls that I just really despise. What kind of person yells at someone for something like that, and someone who doesn't even understand english too! obviously this girl needed some lessons in how to act, so I got up and I said, " Hey, bitch, if you want to see someone do the fucking full splits stand in front of the fucking mirror and do them yourself. Don't yell at her, your not the fucking teacher and your not our fucking mother, and your definitely not our boss, so either sit down, shut up and be a student, or I'll make you, pick one bitch." I walked away and sat on the sidelines while , she gossiped about me. I can't dance with people who don't respect other people, it just makes me want to kick them in their smug faces.

I know it's not good to blow up like that, but I really hate people like that, and I haven't fully completed anger management, so forgive me, I'm not a mean person, I'm just not patient with a lot of things.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

my mom is bipolar

I wish things were different. I wish God had given me a better family, but when I think about it , the only problem with my family is my mother. So many people think that I'm just complaining and being a brat, but that is definitely not the case. I'm not the type of person that does that. I'm not the type of person that complains about everything, I always deal with what I have and make good of it, because that was how I was raised. It was just until now, when I started to develop my own opinion and really thought for myself, that i realized that my life is not how it should be. There are so many things that my mother has deprived me of, but to make up for it, she bought me material things. Material things that she wanted me to flaunt to everyone, because she wanted everyone to think that she was a great mother. For years, I put up with this, to make her happy. But recently I just want to make myself happy. It may sound selfish, but, I don't give a fuck anymore.
I'm 16, and turning 17 soon, soon enough, I'll be graduating high school. I want to graduate at least somewhat happy, but living in this environment is just going to turn me insane. How can anyone be happy with someone who constantly calls them a "whore" and all other things that you should never call your child. All of which, are definitely not true. All of which, if are true, are only true, due to her families doing. Her niece was the reason I was raped, and for that I have had to carry the burden of being tainted for years, and stupidly thinking that my mother would accept it and take care of me, i told her. Two years ago, I let her know what happened, and instead of telling me that she was sorry for letting me go with her niece whom she knew was doing bad things, she called me a "slut" and told me it was my fault. What kind of mother would do that? I don't know how much more I could take of this, of her, I just don't know how much of her I can handle, and for how much longer.

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Some of My Views on Respect

Respect to me, is something that is earned, not given. Respect is something that you receive, when you give it. I honestly think that in this generation, there is not enough respect going around. I grew up in a family where respect was just all talk, but no action, and ended up being confused about the aspect of the word. The fact that the people I hung out with, were definitely confused about the word as well, did not help. It’s hard to learn about respect, when you grow up with people that associate “respect” with “thug life” So, I resorted to watching other people and having to learn from them what respect really was. But, as you watch some girls walking around in the street, the mall, and even in this very school, you see how much respect they have for themselves, as well as the respect that is given to them by others, all of which amounts to very little. Dressing in very little clothing, showing body parts that shouldn’t be showing, and calling each other or letting yourself be called a “bitch” or a “whore”, definitely shows that you have very little respect for yourself. As a girl, I fall into the stupid trends just like any other, but I thank God, that I always catch myself in the end, and realize how foolish I am being. If you don’t respect yourself, how can anyone ever respect you? I try to as myself that question frequently, because it reminds me of what I really should be doing.